Tuesday, January 13, 2004
for the other
you:
i'm trying to run away from you, trying to avoid seeing you, trying to plan my every move so that i won't have to look you in the eye and explain it all.
i'm trying so hard that i think i could possibly be diagnosed with paranoia.
so why are you making it so difficult?
can you not see? do you not understand? is it not clear enough yet?
i admit that i am a coward for not being able to clear it up face-to-face, for choosing to leave things behind in my distinctive mess, for not being able to tell you truely that my heart doesn't feel enough, or at all, for you anymore.
yes i know, i prove myself to be the epitome of indecision and fickleness. point taken.
The truth is, my definition of 'we' didn't, and still doesn't, include you.
But i never meant to take so long to figure this out.
I apologize for all the excuses i made to explain why things weren't working out.
I wanted to think that my fear of loss, my love for my running shoes, and the walls i built were the reasons my heart never really felt right with you.
But the truth is, my half-heartedness was simply because i didn't need, or want,
you.
There, i said it. Now you know why.
I don't think this makes it easier or better for you. Would you rather i lie?
I don't want to hurt you, but i think that's unavoidable, and i've probably already done that.
I don't want to say i'm sorry anymore, cos i don't know if i mean it anymore.
Can i be sorry for my naivety, my inexperience and for how the hell i feel?
If so, then i'm sorry. If not, then all i ask is for you to give up and leave me be.
I am tired now, and i need so desperately to really breathe.
At least now, i think i can sleep with a little more peace.
Yes i know, my selfishness rears its ugly head once again. point taken.
sherry @ 5:53:00 pm
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