Saturday, February 07, 2004
I sit in a room with nothing more but the shine of a lamp to keep me company. I would say that I have grown accustomed to sharing my space with loneliness, but I dare not, for fear that once I proclaim it, it will be sealed in my fate, like fallen leaves that are cemented into the sidewalks that we tread upon.
It is no longer the notion of being alone that scares me, but rather, it is the thoughts that return to haunt me, in this quiet hour, which frighten my body into trembling. A fear so fierce and assuming; wrapping me up in its arms and pulling me so close that every gasp I am allowed to make reeks of its presence; an arresting, suffocating stench that penetrates my lungs, like that of Nazi gas chambers, with only one purpose to fulfill. Weaken. destroy. kill.
I have forgotten exactly how good it feels to fall into the soft ruffles of my bed, surrounded by a sea of blankets, being allowed to slowly drift off into a weightless, peaceful sleep. The ecstasy of a sound, uninterrupted night remains ever elusive; seemingly believing itself to be far too superior to cohabit with someone as unworthy as me.
So as I lie in my stiff, unwelcoming bed, I lay whatever little hope that I have left into the comfort embedded in the delusion that night will indeed leave swiftly, bringing forth dawn and its distracters. But as always, I know that night does not surrender easily. It will be a long time till day.
sherry @ 2:47:00 am
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